Residuals

Last night, I had a haunting dream.  Now let me just say that I don’t think God has spoken to me in a dream before.  If He has, I clearly did not recognize His voice.  So far, my dreams have just represented things hidden deep within that have no way of being expressed in my conscious reality (like flying & having super powers, being scared to my very core of running for my life from an unknown pursuer, or the desire to be in a truly rewarding and loving relationship with a wife).  So these dreams I had last night represented some residuals that have yet to be fully dealt with.

In the dream, I was subject to dad…but he was a Colonel.  I followed everything he said because he was in a position of authority.  But then, the clock hit the top of the hour (I don’t remember which hour it was), and his position as a Colonel expired.  At the tick of the clock, he went right back to being my dad, but the situation we were in didn’t change.  He was still telling me to do things.  Now because the clock had changed, I was slightly confused about how to address dad.  Do I call him Colonel, or dad?  I expressed my hesitation in the middle of the task, and dad just said, “Call me whatever.”  Obviously irritated and apathetic to my dilemma, dad just didn’t care—he just wanted to finish the task we were in the middle of.

After hearing his response, I could feel my body well up in anger and dissatisfaction at simply following everything dad said to do.  This feeling remained as I awoke and dwelt in it for a couple moments.  It was all too characteristic of numerous situations in the past, where I was not given any attention, but expected to do, say, and follow everything dad commanded.  It didn’t matter if his words contradicted the logic of efficiency, or if he changed his mind, or if I had any ideas for improvement—I was to follow.

Now, rewind a couple years to January 2011.  Cue the start of my father journey—when I realized how I was suffering spiritually, emotionally, and mentally under such an oppressive rule.  I also felt the glaring contrast between the warm father figure I desired and the cold and rigid commander I saw in dad.  Almost three years later, I thought I had found a way to reconcile these feelings of righteous disappointment and bitterness with what God had told me to do (He told me to stay at home instead of move out).  However, after waking to the all too familiar bitterness that haunted me before, I realized that I still harbored some residual amounts of anger and resentment.

This really revealed to me that there are still areas of my life that lie hidden below even what I can identify and recognize when I am awake.  Is it because I am ALWAYS around people that I am ashamed to admit this darker side of me?  Or is because I am even afraid to acknowledge these things inside of me?  Whatever the reason, the fact is that these things lie deep inside me somewhere.

The truth is, I desire wholeness and complete healing…don’t we all?  To experience complete peace with everyone, and to not have any regrets or any bitterness or any anger towards anyone or at any situation, would be the perfect goal to strive after.  And it would even be better if all we had to do to attain that would be to truly wish for it!  You know, come to think of it, I cannot recall any instance where anyone ever experienced that—a perfect and pure relationship with everyone.

I tell you though, “with man, this is impossible; but with God, all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).  Let’s SEEK God and accept His invitation to see how He works in our brokenness.