Between a Rock & a Hard Place

So for quite a while now, I have been having to deal with an increasing amount of tension between obeying & honoring my parents (more particularly my dad) and living my life for Jesus Christ.  Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t say I have any issue with following authorities, but my issue is when it is there are conflicting values battling for my allegiance.


In obvious situations, I would know what to do.  If something my parents told me directly contradicted the Word, I would have to honorably disobey, and if my parents were not believers, my situation may be a bit easier.  But as things are, my parents are professing Christians.  If anyone on the street were to ask them or look at their lives from a distance, it would seem they are followers of Christ, but from the inside, things look different..not too much, but nonetheless different.


My dad came from a family partially religiously apathetic, and slightly interested in Catholicism.  Graduating from private Catholic schools through high school, my dad wasn’t really interested in God, as the typical radical youth in the Church today (according to stories).  It wasn’t until he met my mom, who came from a similar background, but grew up attending Sunday School at a Christian Church instead, that he started to get more involved in Church.  Anyways, back to the present...


Whenever someone asks me if my parents are believers, I can’t help but hesitate at my answer.  Although my dad is a professing follower of Christ, it is his actions that ultimately prove his faith, or lack of it (Luke 6:43-45; James 2:14-19, 26).  For the reflection of our true faith is in our deeds--if they give God glory or not.  It pains me to think of this and then think of my dad.  I know there is grace, and that nobody is perfect, but honestly, it doesn’t seem like he is trying to overcome his brokenness.


It seems the same angry outbursts happen more often than they need to...the same insensitivities remain to this day...and the same imbalance of values (considering Church & time with God optional) penetrating to each of us (my brother, my sister, my mom, and my own personal lives with God).


Now, I know that I should not look to remove the speck in someone else’s eye, when there is a plank in my own (Matt 7:5), but I just can’t help but feel stuck when I read passages like Luke 8:19-21, Luke 9:23-26, and Luke 9:57-62, where Jesus plainly says that the things eternal and the things of God are way more important than the things on this earth...including our earthly families!  This tension only reaches a peak when things are not black and white.


It’s not like my dad is telling me to do something heinously wrong, but they are more like small things here and there.  For instance, maintaining a personal relationship with God is not valued at all.  Church & other “churchy” events are all optional.  There is no room or space for me to spend alone in my own personal time with God...except on campus between my classes.  Barely minimal spiritual leadership exists.  Not much regard is given to accountability (dad is boss, and nobody can say anything ‘contrary' what he says).  My heart truly breaks when I think about all of this, and how it is all happening so close to home for me...literally.


Growing up in the Church, I have heard it all.  “Honor your father and your mother...so that you may live long and that it may go well with you...(Deut 5:16 & Eph 6:1-3).  And in honoring our parents, we can even give glory to God & be a witness to them.  Also, practically speaking, I don’t have to pay for utilities, rent, food, or transportation, but all the while, my soul starves for Christ.  Sure, I am spending what limited time there is with the family God Himself placed me in, and I truly believe God can redeem ANYTHING, but it seems so far off in my family situation.


Needless to say, I am waiting (maybe not as patiently as I should be) for God to heal me, either from or in my suffering.  He has been faithful in the past, and carried me through some amazing things, so I know God has my back, but I am just so ready for some change.  It is at this time that verses like Ezekiel 11:16-20 and Matthew 6:33-34 become the prayer of my heart of hearts.


So I find myself in caught in between experiencing lotsa character growth through this trial & being liberated from such a trial, so I can make a harder impact for the Gospel....just waiting for guidance.