Waiting

Growing up in a conservative Christian house and attending a conservative Christian Church, the theme of "waiting for God's will" has pretty much been drilled into my...person for lack of a better term.  It was not until in my latter years that this topic of free will versus predestination really started to inch its way into my life.


Things like which college to attend, what to major in & pursue as a career, and how I would maintain contact with old and new friends got me thinking about how much was in my power and responsibility, and how much was on God.  Since then, I have resolved that the things that happen are a strategic mixture of both our will & God's will.  Though sometimes it can be us willing to bend our wills to God's, it can also be us aligning our wills with God's.  In other words, once I got to know Jesus more and more, I got a better picture of His character & what He stands for, and the things He can't stand, and tried to act in accordance with who God is (Philippians 1:27).  However, that only helps if I know God's stance on the situation I find myself in (i.e. in the Bible!).


Recently, such has been the case where I am not sure about what God thinks about (1) marriage versus singleness for the Lord, (2) our career/calling, and (3) living in a house where I can only perceivable live lukewarmly for Christ.


So throughout high school, I was on what one could call a 'dating fast,' meaning I was not about to start dating anyone.  Looking back, yea I did probably miss out on some "experiences," but so much more happened in place of that!  God was able to do a work in me during those years, that have been paramount to who I am today.  However, I don't know if that would have happened regardless of what I did or not.  Regardless of the past, the choices before me are not as black and white.  I have been reading through 1 Corinthians 7 and 1 & 2 Timothy, listening to various pastors' perspective on singleness and marriage, and am still not sure about much.  On one hand, setting aside my life ENTIRELY for God, and not having to divide my attention between God and my wife, seems noble.  On the other hand, I don't know if I can live without the companionship & love (both given and received) of a wife.


Even though I did have that one vision a couple years ago, and even though I feel the call to be a Pastor, I still feel like I am walking blindly.  But that's how it should be right?!  Us walking in this life, holding onto our Heavenly Father, and following Him & wherever He should lead us...is the phrasing that seems right, but how much of our lives are in our hands, and how much of it is TOTALLY in God's control?  I mean, if God had made us pre-programmed, we don't have to worry about ANYTHING, but then our love towards God & towards other people would become so disingenuous.  So I find myself confused between choosing something that I enjoy, waiting to hear from God about what I should do, and making a prayerful & strategic decision from what is before me.  Right now, I am leaning towards the latter, but then again, I am still getting more information on that..  For example, during my trip in Ghana, the leaders of the team mentioned to me that they could totally see me as an overseas missionary.  I had never really thought about that possibility, let alone much about overseas missions at all, but I am ACTIVELY pursuing more information about it!  Who knows...I may end up being a Pastor in an overseas country :)


I am still wondering about how my relationship with my dad will pan out, but that is a DAILY thing that is constantly on my mind and in my prayers.  I have struggled from the extreme of moving out on the basis that "whoever does the will of God is my brother, sister, and mother" (Mark 3:35), holding onto the promise in Mark 10:29-30.  For I know that some of the things my dad does is not part of what God wills.  However at the same time, I know there is grace, and I should check the plank in my eye before pointing out the speck in someone else, but it is just hard to keep passing out grace cards here and there again and again without any sense of hope of change.


God, grant me the discernment & patience & strength to live for YOU!